It's been a while. :) Staring at the blank sheet of paper in front of me, its like a stranger to me. I don't even really know what to type. So many things I have to say, but right now I'm just dumbfounded. I've been reading my old posts, all the way back when I was 12. People have been telling me that they ave been really cheesy. And I guess I see that now. I kinda wanted to take down some of them, however I decided not to. But cheesy-ness is part of who I am. I'm still going to sound a little stuck up, a little bold know-it-all sometimes. I wanted to keep a commitment to this blog though. It's nice to look back upon what I thought at a time.
Recently I've been under a lot of pressure and stress. At school, I've been failing 4 courses, not because of me being stupid, but of irresponsibility's and carelessness. After a while everything just snowballed and my soul got completely crushed. I felt so helpless and so weak. Parents and teachers, the counselor and even the principal was on my back, I was in huge risk of a suspension, and I received 4/5 detentions for being tardy and falling asleep in detention. (Fell asleep due to being sick- Drug use) I'm currently still being "bullied". At home everything is going crazy. Parents pressuring me about the bills, the future, the grades. Homework piling on each other, piano, books, exercise. It's killing me. It's like people are cutting me up... Slowly. Being told again and again its not my time yet, not my time yet. Underestimated and overestimated at the same time. I wished for a complete stop of everything. Just so I could maybe take on the world at another time, when I have gotten back up on my feet.
Christmas break, 3 weeks of nothing, as I wished for with all my heart...Resulting in tears all three days of Christmas, betrayal, suicidal thoughts, and a mental breakdown on new year. On top of that, I found out my brother was also currently facing bullying with a mainland boy. After a session of a fighting class, my brother went to the bathroom to change, and this boy came in with him in the same cubical, and beat his head against the wood door, slapped him a dozen times, and caused him overall pain. Beaten up, bruised and crying, my brother spend the day down in the dumps, and this story wasn't revealed until a later time and under persuasion. My brother, this annoying fat turd, bullied. I was so surprised. I've been through bullying ever since kindergarten. But just with verbal, even though sometimes it does go physical. But looking at him, it pains so much to know he is hurting from what I've suffered from too. I know what bullying feels like, and to see that such a pure soul, at the simple age of 8 is going through that, kills me even more. I've gone through worse, but it does not make matters less severe.
School starts again tomorrow. I know this sounds like an annoying complaint from a wimpy 8th grader, but right now this is all that's on my heart. I confess my faith had been fading, fading quick. But recently I found a single memento of one of my spiritual highs. In fact, it was a memento of one of my proudest moments, one of my greatest. One of those moments I would not trade for anything. I was shocked, but I was mostly amazed. I spent the rest of that week plugged in. I found myself repeating this one song over and over again. I made up my mind that tomorrow I can face school with my faith, however frail it is. I know the nightmare will continue, I know there is going to be threats around every corner. But I'll just have to wing it, with my faith. I'll try to keep my commitment to this blog, with this ongoing marathon in my life. It feels better having less secrets, and knowing that this little blog of mine will always be here for me.
I also wanted you guys to know, that music has now become one of the highlights in my life- esp electric and Christian. And the song I mentioned above was 'Worn', By Tenth Avenue North. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM
Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share.
Till next time,
Victoria Lee
