Tuesday, March 5, 2013

A non-stargazer author

  Hello stargazers!
   I'm Chow Hon Yu! You can call me Henry if you like (my friends do). I'm in Form 2 (8th grade for Americans) and I study in Evangel College. I'm also the only non-American author. 
   At Primary School, I was avoided by ALL the students because I was 'dirty' (Say that to me now and I will punch you). I was kind of a stargazer. I don't remember when this silliness stopped and the details (and I don't want to). The beginning of secondary school wasn't any better. I was still excluded from the rest, an outcast. One mean guy said I was 'weird' 'snitchy' 'had no friends'. I was nearly removed from the Facebook group of my class. But I kept dreaming. Hoping that I will be included.
   We'll talk about my background later. Now let's talk about my relationship with Victoria. We first met at kindergarten, I don't recall details. Our next encounter was in P.5, where we had a brief argument on something. Our next encounter was after the graduation ceremony. She asked for my gmail, which I gave her. We started talking to each other online in the summer. We talked about music, habits, fun suff, etc. We found out that chatting with each other was enjoyable, so we continued to do so. Over the years (literally), we started to talk to each other about our daily lives, our problems and our conversations increased in depth.  We started to consult each other, comfort each other. We were there for each other.
   Anyway, back to my background. Even though I had no friends, some people still stood up for me. One guy prevented me from being removed from Facebook. After being a 'stargazer' in the beginning of Form 1 (grade 7 for hillbillies), Something finally happened. A girl introduced me to the regular kids. Anyway, that's how I stopped being a stargazer. I guess.
   But hate was still inside me. Hate against those who neglected me. Those who looked down upon me. Those who showed disrespect to me. I turned me rage to the mean guy mentioned before. I decided to tournament him. Show him how it feels like to be looked down upon, dismissed. It started as innocent teasing. But then it became physical. Eventually, it drove him mad. He tried to tell the teachers, but they dismissed him. It was like living hell for him.
  But this bullying also drove me mad. My friends tried to persuade me out of this madness. I ignored them and defended myself with silly reasons. Maybe I was driven mad because he never quite remember what he said to me. But I do. I still remember his dismissive attitude. He became a well known snitcher in our class, ruining our reputation. I only tried to stop when Victoria interfered. (4 details ask her) 
   Maybe you think that a bully is the least suitable author for this stargazer blog. I beg to differ. Maybe I can help those being bullied. I should know more about bullies. If you are being bullied, seek teacher interference. Make your teacher listen in any way possible. And bullies aren't just bullies for no reason (well, some of them aren't) Maybe they were bullied before. Maybe they experienced a terrible childhood.
   I sincerely hope that you won't despise me for being a former bully. I feel terrible myself. I hope the readers will forgive me. It took me a lot of courage to confess.
   Let us move on. I want to make up for my acts, so I joined. One thing: if nobody wants to be your friend, it isn't just their problem (sometimes it isn't theirs at all). It's also yours. You need to change. Don't be afraid. Be bold. Be proactive. Be nice. You don't have to change your beliefs or appearance (most of the time). Just find your faults and improve. When you do become popular, NEVER NEVER EVER forget those who have helped you. You should also try to forgive those who dismissed and disrespected you. Or else you might go crazy.
   Anyway, I hope you'll accept me. I might be very flawed, but please give me a chance. 



Saturday, March 2, 2013

Promises, Promises.

Alright.

This is it. I am going to delete one of my blogs. From now on, http://hopeforthestargazers.blog.com/ will be, invalid. This blog will remain, though.

Promises are not meant to be broken. If they were, what is the point? But who has not broken promises? I know I have, I have broken some in this very blog. I had promised updates every so often, but how could I do that? I am, after all, 13. I have my priorities, my jobs and duties as as student.

So you may look at me, and say my future is bright, the way I type and talk. The way I understand and relate. Those in the Netherlands, United states, even Hong Kong, my silent, mysterious readers. Admire my "maturity". But are you forgetting who I am? I am not who you think I am. I am the the great almighty, I am not great. I am thirteen year old who has been overlooked and stepped on over and over again, trampled under the feet of my equals. A typical, everyday girl you would find on the street. I am not desperate for fame, money, or any of that. I want to tell a story. No matter how bland it may be, I want to share what I have.

Have any of you heard of the book, "A single shard"? I want to be that one, shattered piece that makes it to show my master's mastery. I don't want to let my story go out with the tide. I want to make the biggest gamble of my life right now, to blog and to tell, to make a small effort that is shadowed by my past.

But hey, lets look a little forward. A fellow stargazer told me how many teens are thinking about what they are gonna do. At first I was so surprised I got another stargazer. Struck me hard. For a second there, I realized how close I have come to abandoning this place, when a sudden change of events told me otherwise. It was pandemonium in my head, and when it settled down, it was a draw between a childish "This little light of mine" and the cliche "Never give up". It gave me the idea a kid like me, a smoldering flicker, could start a forest fire. Like after being rejected many times, a Harry potter, Starbucks, or a Disney would arise from ash. But that's a little too much of a wishful thinking, eh? I am, after all, a kid.

The future is promising, but promising, exactly, what? Will that promise be broken? The future can not promise all of us to be heroes. Can it? Funny how every small choice we make can account for an alternate universe of either heaven or hell. How we must take advantage of everything life throws in our foggy path. That's life, a fog stricken path. in the childhood days, your parents will guide you. the fog is still there, and you  can't see two feet ahead of you. But life goes on, and the hand fades, until you are in your teens, and start to wonder which fuzzy voice and calling you should follow. Scared of what is below, if you are going to fall. What is going to happen, what is going on. Where you are going to end up and when. In the end, you wonder, frankly, what is my future and how do I get there?

And I guess that's what the future is. An unknown promise.

Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Short note: Thanks

Hey guys, It's me Victoria. Just wanted to make a short note here. I know there are many of you reading out there RIGHT NOW. Look, I'd really appreciate it if you would join. Everyone deserves a chance, and I'd take any honest person. I have been idle lately since I have been looking for new people to join, and I really hope you'd join. Don't be scared or anything, we could all do with some company, comments, followers, maybe an email. :) 


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share.
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee

About me

I didn't capitalize the m for me in the title (even though I'm supposed to) because that might mean I'm really prideful or something similar.

I know, weird header to introduce myself to complete strangers. But I'm weird, compared to my classmates. Some things such as beauty and intelligence only exist due to comparison.
My name is Ngai Yeung (NAI-yeung). Call me Rondi, my middle name (That is, if you'll ever call me). I'm 11 this year and Victoria (in case you forgot, which you aren't supposed to, she is the person wrote the blog post below this one) is in the same school as me. We are friends. I'm a Christian. Choppy phrases. Are fun.

I like to play chess (If I have a FIDE rating, it'll be 1200), daydream (especially in class), read,watch Star Wars The Clone Wars (I'm a Star Wars geek), play my violin,etc.I became friends with Victoria during our service trip to Cambodia.To be honest, I think my biggest reward from that trip is getting to know her .It's like, finally, somebody thinks like me.

Anyway.

My email is nyrondi29@gmail.com

Email me if you have a question related to Star Wars! Or anything else. Or email Victoria. We'd like it a lot.

Actually.

I don't know how to say bye, I'm done, partly because I've never written a blog post before. So I'll take the simple way (No matter how philosophical you can get, keep it simple at times, says Victoria. And Han Solo).

Bye.

Simple enough?

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Time

As long as I'm up here, I think I should make myself a little less board and get a little more personal. But first of all, I'd really appreciate it if I ever receive a comment or a volunteer to join me in this blog here. It would mean the world to me.

So I was just sitting in bed, These nights have been really restless lately. I would stay up till five, and never drift off. I could hear the birds chirping outside, and I would feel exhausted, but not sleepy. Take a step back, and I looked at my life. Wow, I am a terrible person. I'm not as innocent as I thought, I messed up even more than I thought. I hate everything around me. I hated the way I'm mad, the way I talked, the way I acted, the way how I never owned up to myself. How everyone is ahead of me, when I know that could have been me. I never knew it was possible to drown in your own tears. I hated my actions, my choices, but most of all I hated myself. 

Now all I know is that I wanted out. If I look around me, I can see the world, but I can never find satisfaction I never liked this place. I never wanted to be here. I don't feel comfortable around these people. I have nobody to go to.  I have heard so much about God, this well know stranger Jesus. In a cramped space, like Hong Kong, I'm just one little teen. Look around me, these tall buildings a hundred floors high. Each floor with 7 apartments. Each apartment a family. I'm part of something so big, but I feel no special. I feel like, it doesn't matter much if I wasn't. I feel like a tooth in a shark's mouth. If I fall, my place would just be taken by another, just as good, maybe even better than I. Thinking about that, I feel so insignificant. Worthless, small, tiny. Like nothing I do will ever matter.

At school, things are pretty much the same. I get humiliated some, laugh some, cry some. Fail some, win some. But I still feel so hollow. Turns out, without love, I am nothing. Hope fades, faith deteriorates. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.-1 Corinthians 13:13."


Do they not say: "Go for your dreams"? Then they say: "Its not your time yet". But I just don't want to wait anymore. I hate that another day every day I still drag my sorry self to places I'd rather be not, surrounded by people whom the more I know about the more I dislike. Enveloped by hundreds but ultimately, still alone. When the lights are turned to the max, I see people living the prime of their middle school life. But nobody sees me in the shadows. I've given up on my chances, I've messed up too far and too much. Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me, till then there is the dark corner... Always welcoming.

Right now, I hate myself. People hate me. Why would God be any different? I'm far from perfect, far from Okay. It's like sitting in the audience, and when you see the performers onstage, and you know you can do way better than them. But when they invite you onstage, you trip going onstage. That moment when you get back up on your feet and look out back into the audience, and you hear the painful laughter. Red faced, tear stained, that's exactly how I feel right now. I just feel like, I don't love anyone. And I don't see why anyone, would love me. 

Without ugly, there is no beautiful. With all girls beautiful, there has to be one who is different. Or else that means everyone is ugly.

But I still can't do without love. 


"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.- 1 Corinthians 13:1-7, The Message."


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Commitment...?

  It's been a while. :) Staring at the blank sheet of paper in front of me, its like a stranger to me. I don't even really know what to type. So many things I have to say, but right now I'm just dumbfounded. I've been reading my old posts, all the way back when I was 12. People have been telling me that they ave been really cheesy. And I guess I see that now. I kinda wanted to take down some of them, however I decided not to. But cheesy-ness is part of who I am. I'm still going to sound a little stuck up, a little bold know-it-all sometimes. I wanted to keep a commitment to this blog though. It's nice to look back upon what I thought at a time. 

  Recently I've been under a lot of pressure and stress. At school, I've been failing 4 courses, not because of me being stupid, but of irresponsibility's and carelessness. After a while everything just snowballed and my soul got completely crushed. I felt so helpless and so weak. Parents and teachers, the counselor and even the principal was on my back, I was in huge risk of a suspension, and I received 4/5 detentions for being tardy and falling asleep in detention. (Fell asleep due to being sick- Drug use) I'm currently still being "bullied".  At home everything is going crazy. Parents pressuring me about the bills, the future, the grades. Homework piling on each other, piano, books, exercise. It's killing me. It's like people are cutting me up... Slowly. Being told again and again its not my time yet, not my time yet. Underestimated and overestimated at the same time. I wished for a complete stop of everything. Just so I could maybe take on the world at another time, when I have gotten back up on my feet.

  Christmas break, 3 weeks of nothing, as I wished for with all my heart...Resulting in tears all three days of Christmas, betrayal, suicidal thoughts, and a mental breakdown on new year. On top of that, I found out my brother was also currently facing bullying with a mainland boy. After a session of a fighting class, my brother went to the bathroom to change, and this boy came in with him in the same cubical, and beat his head against the wood door, slapped him a dozen times, and caused him overall pain. Beaten up, bruised and crying, my brother spend the day down in the dumps, and this story wasn't revealed until a later time and under persuasion. My brother, this annoying fat turd, bullied. I was so surprised. I've been through bullying ever since kindergarten. But just with verbal, even though sometimes it does go physical. But looking at him, it pains so much to know he is hurting from what I've suffered from too. I know what bullying feels like, and to see that such a pure soul, at the simple age of 8 is going through that, kills me even more. I've gone through worse, but it does not make matters less severe. 

  School starts again tomorrow. I know this sounds like an annoying complaint from a wimpy 8th grader, but right now this is all that's on my heart. I confess my faith had been fading, fading quick. But recently I found a single memento of one of my spiritual highs. In fact, it was a memento of one of my proudest moments, one of my greatest. One of those moments I would not trade for anything. I was shocked, but I was mostly amazed. I spent the rest of that week plugged in. I found myself repeating this one song over and over again. I made up my mind that  tomorrow I can face school with my faith, however frail it is. I know the nightmare will continue, I know there is going to be threats around every corner. But I'll just have to wing it, with my faith. I'll try to keep my commitment to this blog, with this ongoing marathon in my life. It feels better having less secrets, and knowing that this little blog of mine will always be here for me.

  I also wanted you guys to know, that music has now become one of the highlights in my life- esp electric and Christian. And the song I mentioned above was 'Worn', By Tenth Avenue North. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee

Monday, December 10, 2012

Styx

  I'm sorry for being gone, it's just that school's catching up to me, and this shadow called stress has been overcoming me lately. I don't know when can I persistently write again. Probably in break? But I don't know. I've been sick lately, unsteady in my health. Anyways, there's this myth in Greek mythology. Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian. 

  However, reading about other religions is kinda interesting. Greek Gods are really amazing. Their perception of heaven and hell are combined into one underworld. Before that, you will have to pay a fee to cross a river. The river Styx, to get there. Before you die, your loved ones will put a coin under your tongue, so you could pay for the boat ride across the river. Otherwise, you  just stay on the other side, wandering. 

  Right now, I look exactly like that. so lost.It feels like nothing is happening, and the weight of the world is on me. So close, yet so far. So near, yet so distant. Just when you think you're out you're whisked right back in. It's like running barefoot on the slipping hot sand, midday in the desert, and only being able to stay in the shade of the tree that's a couple miles ahead of you. And when you do reach there, you stay in the shade savoring sweet victory. And then, you realize you're standing in quicksand. Like you're drowning slowly. 

  It just seems so much and too much to handle you know? People always tell you to rely on God, but then at the same time they tell you to take up on your own responsibilities. And what is relying on God? What is his love? All these testimonies of how people were dramatically saved, and yet I'm just here, lost and confused, on the other side of the Styx...

 "It's like I'm a flitting ghost, not a warrior. The bullets don't ricochet, they just go right through me. It's like I don't even hurt. It's like I've lost the ability to rebel, hate, and love. It's like I'm a dead unfeeling rock. A soul on the other side of the Styx. Wandering and swaying in the haunting silence. I don't even, care. Anymore. I'm not even alive, and I need not fight anymore. Looking at the world spin without me, the distant battle of what used to seem so important. Now it's like I'm dead."


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee










Saturday, December 1, 2012

Count

 So I was gone for a while, have you guys noticed? In a month's time, I've learnt a lot, and many times I have wanted to share about what's going on. Hey I missed this place. November was a misty month. I enjoyed the brisk fall winter.


 Anyways, one thing I learnt so far was to count my blessings. Remember that elementary Bible teacher telling you how millions of people are homeless, dying, in poverty, hopeless, and you are sitting here blessed in this classroom? So you might have a story behind you. How your friends have betrayed you, how you lost it all, how you fell down to rock bottom in a single move. How you couldn't control anything and everything just fell apart? I've been there. Many have.


 When you see the one's you grew up with blossom, and you're still a seed. When you look at this kid and you could just say: She's got it made. Then you look at the mirror. What a failure. How could you!? Disappointing all these people, not living up to expectations, not being enough, not doing well enough. Sitting home on a Friday evening while everyone else is invited to a mega slumber party. Someone holding a grudge against you, and you don't understand. What could be! What could be... And what is. Everyone else is having fun at the amusement park. And I'm here at home watching TV. Woe is me. I don't get it. Why don't I get that? Do I not deserve that?


 But then 2 things happened. I went to Cambodia, and the story of Job reached me. In Cambodia, I was sick, and I had high fever and a really bad stomach ache. I was about to miss the tourist attraction because of all that. I was in my bed, knowing everyone else was down at their breakfast table. Me in my hotel room. What could possibly be worse? I prayed to get better, first time it was just me and God, no parents, not a lot of medical aid.


 Cambodia was a rural place. We (My school- it was a school trip) had visited orphans the day before. No AC, no beds, no running water, no chargers, flies everywhere, and yes, no internet. I was in my room, television at my fingertips, AC on blast, toilet a few feet away. I was in a bed, under the covers, and I was complaining. I had the funds to get here and back! And to those who are living in stilt houses living off sponsors? If they had this fever and tummy ache they would most possibly be dead. No care would be provided for them. They were outcast. After realizing this... I felt so bad. I heard this old Chinese saying that if you were born in a blessed place, you don't know the meaning of what is blessed. (身在福中不知福) I felt like these FWP were not problems. I started from praying for myself to praying... for them. Ten minutes later, my temperature went from 39.2°C to 37.6°C. I could go.

  It always looks bad. Job, He went from everything, to nothing. But the Lord gives and takes away. He said, "I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The LORD gave me what I had, and the LORD has taken it away. Praise the name of the LORD!" Look at Jonah next. He complained when the parasite ate the tree away. But the tree was never his to begin with! Neither was my joy, my pleasures, my family, my friends. Why do we sulk so much when they are taken away? One thing to remember. Our life? Does not belong to us. And we deserve to be tortured, as we are sinners. But when we do get something bad, we must remember the good. Or it will be uneven, and you will feel upset and depressed.


  I'm going to end this with a link to a song. Through this month, this song has stood out to me. If God seems far, and you don't feel him through all the bad things you have been through, listen to it. It's called Blessings, by Laura Story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Surrounded

  Surrounded with no escape. We are in battle, this life, standing in a battlefield. One round of ammo, that's it. No escape. Somehow, it gets tiring. Surrounded by so many people you can talk to, but never do. We know our fate well, we know our end will all be the same. But our life here is hell on earth... Holding the gun, everyone is caving in... Trying to take it in, just unsure of whats even going on. Responsibility, task after task, command after command. Life can be a battlefield sometimes. Train day after day, knowing still, you will never be good enough to be the best. What you would give for a few months in solitude, just being safe wrapped in the blanket of safety. 
  
What I would give. To just be away from my parents, grades, friends. EVERYTHING. Just to be in complete silence and peace, meditation. Surrounded by this all, we start thinking what we are made to be. After holding onto the "theory", we start to wonder, wander, doubt. Just curled up, dead already on the inside. Sometimes it just takes a blow to the head, and everything would be finished. Seems so easy to do huh. After a while, the journey seems pointless. The reason seems blank. Sometimes its hard to just go on, when every attempt you have made has resulted in misery. Sometimes it goes so bad... We feel like if we were dead now, it would have made no difference. 

  Surrounded by all these fears nobody has ever conquered, you start wondering why they did not. Then you ask yourself why do you do this. So cold, frigid, even though your head is burning. I don't know. I'm lost.

  To be continued...


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Hold

  White knuckled, clenched jaw, hot blooded, heavy eyed and pale with thirst, exhaustion and frustration. Do you know what I mean? Headaches and fear. When you live like that everything seems harder, and things slow down and rush at the same time. Over a heavy dose of solitude, I pulled myself back together and chose to continue. Why? Why not. In the midst of your struggle lies the opportunity to help someone else through theirs. I know how solitude can heal you, but at the same time, human support is pretty important too... I have gotten a lot of views, Russia, USA, and Hong Kong. I guess I shouldn't stop, for you guys. But at the same time, I really hope that you guys would contact me. :) It would be great to know who you are, also  a comment, an email, something simple would be deeply appreciated, and it would be really nice to know there are ones who need what I have to offer.

  Over the few days I have been pretty shallow, things have not gone as I wanted, and things have gone out of hand. It felt like I was on a crazy roller coaster ride that nobody could control. "Are you okay? You don't look so happy. You sure? Really? What happened?" I appreciate the care and concern that other people showed me, but how could I give them an answer, when I  myself cannot define what exactly is going on right now? I guess complaining about all this is pointless in some ways, someone homeless and suffering has it worse than us, sitting in comfy chairs, in front of our computer, munching on a snack. Sometimes things seem so cheery, but sometimes, something completely funny happens. The homeless and hopeless one finds hope, and we lose it. Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

  Tears rolling down your cheeks, like the racing beads you watched from the inside of the car on a stormy day. Remember how we were ambitious in our standing? When we were knocked down, we insisted on standing again, and we said, we don't care what they say. We'll show them! Call me juvenile, but I was so naive. Standing was easy to say, difference is easy to pronounce. A word in itself, what could it possibly mean though? Sometimes when you say something, post something, do something... Maybe it's so small that you won't think they would notice... Ends up being the most powerful thing you could have ever done, and you would not have even thought about the influence it has made. Give and it will be given to you, A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.~Luke 6:38. I guess whatever I do, if I give my very best, the very best will come back to me. Because, I believe in karma, and those who suffer now, shall be satisfied, as the Bible has promised. I guess that's why, when I feel like there is nothing of worth to hold onto in something I believe in, I still find some meaning to hold onto my belief, because I know in the end, I would have regretted not giving my best, when I am not given the best. Because wasting anything is a shame, and none of us deserve less than what we deserve. As humble as we should be, we should keep that in mind. Holding on, is to learn that once you believe, you never let go. So that is why, we have to choose very carefully what we believe, and what is worth holding onto. We have to KNOW what is worth holding onto, so when we feel like the meaning isn't not there, we can still remember why we know it is worth it. 


  Who said holding was easy? Some had to hold till they broke. Holding is not easy at all. It means devoting a  lot of your time and effort. Still, holding is a choice. Is that not the beauty of it? As we lie here broken, and  we see our goal, the small window of light in the far distance, and we know what we want to be. We want to stand again, so very very bad. While others sit and watch in their brokenness, some of us stargazers choose to hold onto the little shards of broken hope scattered about on the cold rock bottom. We are the ones who would do anything to stand again, anything... But the price is high. 

  To stand again, takes a miracle, as I had said before. But it isn't impossible. It just depends whether we are willing to do all we can, be all we are and give our all. Standing again, is to learn from all the pain, muster all you are, and limp and crawl towards the light. Standing again, is a miracle your soul has to create from all the pain and toil, blood and sweat. The harder you work for something, the more precious it seems. And trust me, standing again, is 100% worth it.


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee